Affairs cause a great deal of shame for both partners. The injured one thinks that their partner betrayed them because they are not good enough. Maybe they are not attractive, charming or special. They conclude that there is something missing about them that their partner found in the other person.

‍

The partner who had the affair also feels a great deal of shame. They see the pain they have caused their partner and they feel horrible about that. Since they were the ones who cheated, they see themselves as immoral and dishonest. Their partner's attack and criticism intensify their shame and cause them to react and become defensive. However, when they react, their partner thinks that they are not taking ownership of what they did and consequently attacks them even more. It becomes a vicious cycle that prevents partners from healing.

In the last video of the series “Healing from Affairs,” we talk about the type of conversation that helps a couple to heal from an attachment injury such as an affair. Couples have difficulty healing from an affair because their communication is focused on attacking and defending. The injured partner attacks the one who committed the affair who defends themselves from the accusation and sometimes also attacks back. These failed conversations only serve to injure them over and over again and create more disconnection.

‍

In this episode, we show how couples can talk in a vulnerable way. The focus is not on describing the other person's character but on speaking about one's feelings. The injured partner tells the other about their hurt and their sadness. The other takes ownership of what they did in a vulnerable way and talks about their sadness for hurting their loved one. This kind of communication brings them closer thus helping them to heal from the attachment injury. It also helps them have the kind of relationship that will shield them from future injuries.

In our desire to help our loved ones, we give them advice or solutions. We think that they expect us to fix their problems when they only want our presence amidst their pain. We would like our love to take all the pain away from our partner's life. However, that's not possible. Although we cannot take their pain away, we can be with them in times of distress. The worst thing is not suffering but suffering alone.

Having a strong connection with our partner makes us feel protected. Our partner is like a shield that helps us to feel safer in the world. We know that we have someone who has our back and this gives us the courage we need to face the challenges of life.